


While the Lights Were Off

by HannahTheScribe



Series: I’ll Give You [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Adult Content, Alternative Lifestyles, Alternative Sexuality, Authority Figures, BDSM, BDSM Scene, Bisexual Character of Color, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Female Character of Color, Bisexuality, Bondage and Discipline, Bottoming, Character(s) of Color, Companion Piece, Consensual Kink, Consensual Non-Consent, Control, Dom/sub, Dominance, Drabble Collection, Drama, F/F, Female Character of Color, Female Characters, Female Protagonist, Female Relationships, Female-Centric, Ficlet Collection, Heavy BDSM, Human Trafficking, Kinks, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Married Characters, Married Couple, Married Life, Masochism, Master/Pet, Master/Slave, No Lesbians Die, No Safeword, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, One Shot Collection, Ownership, POV Female Character, POV Queer Character, POV Third Person, Past Tense, Possessive Behavior, Power Dynamics, Power Exchange, Power Imbalance, Protectiveness, Queer Character, Queer Culture, Queer Families, Queer Friendly, Queer Themes, Realistic, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Romance, S&M, Sadism, Secret Organizations, Sexual Slavery, Slave Trade, Slavery, Strong Female Characters, Submission, Submissive Character, Topping, Total Power Exchange, Useless Lesbians, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:08:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannahTheScribe/pseuds/HannahTheScribe
Summary: Short story collection, companion of theI'll Give Youseries.  Will map to The Second IGY Companion.Or, the insomniac author got a sleep med, but she still keeps coming up with Vibes that don't go anywhere else at all times of the day.
Relationships: Jen Lundqvist/Clara Chen
Series: I’ll Give You [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867054
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	While the Lights Were Off

**Author's Note:**

> Want to take the survey and share your opinions about this series? Find the survey [here](https://forms.gle/h2pho3vavpzNT1jr5).
> 
> Want a physical copy or ebook? Find Book One and The First IGY Companion on [Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Hannah-The-Scribe/e/B08NPX9Q4L). 
> 
> Want fun extras like fonts and audio? Check [here](https://hannahthescribe.com/igy/).
> 
> Want more, and have something in mind? Request short stories for this series [here](https://hannahthescribe.com/igy-requests/).
> 
> Want more? Find the whole series on [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867054) along with my [other works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034871).
> 
> Want the reality? Read my BDSM nonfiction on [Service Slave Secrets](http://www.serviceslavesecrets.com/) or [FetLife](https://fetlife.com/users/7113554/posts/5648128).
> 
> Want a taste of the trainee life? Find my BDSM education classes [here](https://serviceslavesecrets.com/events/).

Breathing was hard. The closet was stuffy and the tears and sniffles came easier than breath, tucked into a small space. _What the fuck did I get myself into?_

Nothing in particular had prompted the meltdown. In fact, it had been a good morning so far. Most mornings were. Most nights, too. Two weeks after the wedding, the honeymoon period was far from over, even if they hadn’t gone anywhere, opting to settle in instead. Given the chaotic first week, first hours, of strangers to fiancees, a week of paperwork, moving, collars, contracts, cat adoption, deep talks, and more sex than should’ve been possible, they were eager to relax, learn things like the other’s middle name and how they took their coffee.

Yet Clara found herself overwhelmed. It wasn’t even that she had _regrets_. But the enormity of what she had signed herself up for, selling her soul to a sadistic stranger, seemed to be setting in today.

She knew it was going to hit her eventually. Hoped it would wait long enough that she would have more information, be able to tell herself that this was, undoubtedly, the right choice. And if she had to pick right now: it was. It was just… the question:

_What the fuck did I get myself into?_

No matter how happy the last weeks had been, could she even grasp it all right now? It was the fantasy of a lifetime, but it was… a lot to take in.

What she’d always wanted—what she now _had_ —was neat and clean in her head most of the time.

Some people chased climbing mountains. Some people chased diving to the bottom of the ocean. Some people chased white water rafting, swimming with sharks, jumping out of planes, flying into the center of a hurricane, dogsledding through the tundra.

For Clara, it was pain. It had always been pain. The only thing that seemed worth chasing.

_Why?_

It was being broken down to nothing and degraded and debased and humiliated and shown every last thing that was wrong with her—

And being kept anyway.

And being put back together, anyway.

She had always hated when the aftercare, the conclusion, was taking it all back. Reassurance.

 _No. Don’t take it back. Say it. Mean it. Mean it even when we’re done, and don’t care. Tell me I’m worthless. Mean it._ Prove _it. Make it true. Keep me anyway to tell me again tomorrow. Let me be nothing and love me for it. Break me just so you can fix it and do it again. Make me harder to break next time. Make me able to take more and more. Just for the challenge. Make me run so you can catch me. Make me fight so you can pin me down. Make me bleed so you can treat my wounds. Hurt me until I beg for mercy just so you can give it to me and feel good about it. Let me be grateful for it. Make me wait longer to beg next time. Make my head spin. Make my_ world _spin until I can only cling to you; control it until you become my God. Take out the rest of the world on me. Hurt me when you want to hurt someone else, because I’ll let you. Let me be good and love you and love you and love you no matter what you do. Let me love you_ because _of it. Be sadistic. Be cruel. Be merciless. Teach me to love you anyway. Let me feel good about it. Let me be the kicked puppy that follows you home anyway. Take it all out on me and let me love you for taking it out on me instead of the world who didn’t ask for it. Let me be your reward for being good to everyone else. Tell me that’s pathetic. Believe it. Love me for it anyway. Tell me_ I’m _pathetic. Mean it more than you’ve ever meant anything else. But keep me to tell me again tomorrow._

It was a beautiful thought. It was a messier reality, confessed to the only person who had ever treated it with understanding, who wanted it—as her perfect opposite—as badly as she did. _Given it_ to her, in the form of the collar locked around her neck.

_What the fuck did I get myself into?_

The closet door opened. A rush of cool air and light hit her.

_Oh._

Just as clearly as the air and the light, Jen’s presence hit her all at once, manifesting as a wave of relief. _Oh, it’s you. Oh, it’s okay now. You’re here now. It’s okay now._ The flood that quieted the fire felt, surprisingly, like _safe_.

Jen looked at her—confusion, concern, and, always, love. This very human look of dawning understanding, and the tousled hair, fluffy pajama pants of a slow, lazy morning. The memory of the sleepy touches and kisses they’d shared on the couch. “Come here.” Took a step back to give her the room to do so.

Clara crawled over to her, disentangling herself from a blanket trailing behind her, and knelt in front of her. Jen’s hand was strangely cool at her cheek, against the flush from the closet. Soothing. Stroking away tears she’d almost forgotten were there. Nudging her chin up. “I’m sure you’ve had a few feelings you don’t wanna talk about. It’s been… it make sense, to be overwhelmed right now.” Another nudge, as she’d looked away. “But you’re mine now.” Small smile, fingers wrapped around her collar in a way that was rapidly becoming familiar. Sometimes a warning of, a promising of, a sharp tug in whatever direction Jen wanted her to be in. Sometimes just a place to grip as they kissed or touched or fucked. “Forever and always.” Their vows. She tugged at the lock, just a little. “And you’re not gonna change that by having a few doubts. You don’t have to hide.”

Clara smiled, nuzzled against Jen’s leg. She had thought even on day one that she wanted to be able to say whatever she liked without it having any bearing. That she didn’t want the expression of doubt to shut off the dynamic she’d quickly come to rely on, that she didn’t want any word to limit Jen’s power over her. They could address any fears, doubts, frustrations, without stepping outside those lines of ownership and safety. She could let go of the sense of control that so many humans clung to, and have it be okay. That control was Jen’s now, and she was just as safe that way. And the, _oh, you’re here now; oh, it’s okay now_ —was knowing that the situation was now in the hands of the person with that control.

“Okay,” Clara whispered, winding her arms around Jen’s knees.

“Okay,” Jen said, smiled again, and pet her hair, and, mercifully, let her stay there for as long as she liked.

**Author's Note:**

> Want to take the survey and share your opinions about this series? Find the survey [here](https://forms.gle/h2pho3vavpzNT1jr5).
> 
> Want a physical copy or ebook? Find Book One and The First IGY Companion on [Amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Hannah-The-Scribe/e/B08NPX9Q4L). 
> 
> Want fun extras like fonts and audio? Check [here](https://hannahthescribe.com/igy/).
> 
> Want more, and have something in mind? Request short stories for this series [here](https://hannahthescribe.com/igy-requests/).
> 
> Want more? Find the whole series on [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867054) along with my [other works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034871).
> 
> Want the reality? Read my BDSM nonfiction on [Service Slave Secrets](http://www.serviceslavesecrets.com/) or [FetLife](https://fetlife.com/users/7113554/posts/5648128).
> 
> Want a taste of the trainee life? Find my BDSM education classes [here](https://serviceslavesecrets.com/events/).


End file.
